All Love
by music-kid3
Summary: Meredith and Derek fall into a cycle of hurting each other after the season 8 premiere. What if Richard was able to get Meredith a spot at Mass Gen, and she took it? And how will they heal when they meet again? Basic idea, with lots of twists.
1. Chapter 1

_All Love_

**A/N: Hi! I'm very nervous about posting this story, **_**All Love,**_** because it's my first GA fanfiction. It's kind of a what if spin on what would happen to MerDer if Richard had been able to pull strings to get Meredith into Mass Gen's program, and what would happen if they were unable to work things out in their relationship, so Meredith took the opportunity. There are spoilers for the season 8 premiere, but from there I doubt I'll be using too much from the show. Let me know whether you guys like it or not please, so I can know whether anyone would like me to continue it or not**.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Grey's Anatomy, I wouldn't have to create wild scenarios in my head about what the future of the show would hold, I'd know. Since I am painfully in the dark about upcoming episodes, it's safe to say that I don't own it, *sigh*.

Meredith Grey walked through the front door of her small studio apartment overlooking Boston. It wasn't anything special – just a bed, a small kitchen that she rarely entered, and bathroom, and a little space with a television perched in front of a couch. Despite it lacking spectacle, it was a place she had learned to call home over the last four years, and she was grateful for it. She had needed a place to escape to, and Boston had saved her.

_I don't know what you want from me, Derek!" she shouted at him with ragged breath. She couldn't do this anymore. Her heart was breaking in her chest with every passing day. She saw the way he looked at her. At so many women, as if she wasn't even there, like she didn't exist. She knew that he had been unfaithful in the past year, but still, she'd tried to ignore it. She tried to justify it. He was hurting. He was hurting because of something she had done. She had tampered with his trial. They had been informed mere weeks after Zola was taken that they wouldn't be getting her back. She had hurt him, and he was just trying to deal with it. She was just trying to understand it, to last until they could pass it, but every other word out of his mouth was laced in venom, every look frozen over with ice. She looked at him again, hoping to get past his thick layer of indifference and find the man she had fallen in love with. Her voice was quiet and pleading now – somewhere between a wish and a prayer, "just tell me what you want from me, what I have to do to make this better"._

_ He turned to her with fire raging wild in his eyes, his hair untamed and his clothes reeking of alcohol. "What I want you to do is leave. You took my trial from me. You took my unborn child form me, and then you had to take Zola, too! You just keep taking everything and I'm sick of it"_

_She tried to speak but he cut her off, ignoring the steady stream of tears rolling down her face. "You can't make this better. It's impossible. I just want you to go before you take what little I have left"_

_She was openly sobbing now "Derek, we can work through this. We've gotten through everything else, and I love you. I am __**in**__ love with you. We can make it, you just have to try…"_

"_I don't want to try! I don't love you and I don't want you. We are __**not**__ trying. You're hanging around while I try to ignore the fact that you're continuously breathing my air. I'm not going to pretend anymore – All I want from you is to get out of my house" and with that, he stormed into the back room of their newly finished home, and slammed the door, leaving Meredith to dissolve into a pile of tears in the middle of their home._

She used to be sad about it. She had missed him every day and attempted to will the phone to ring, but it never did. Over time, that aching feeling in her chest and the gut-wrenching sadness shifted to another emotion much more consuming than grief; it was replaced with unrelenting hatred. She hated him. She _hated_ Derek Shepherd. She hated him for ever coming into that bar and sitting down next to her. She hated him for practically forcing her to go on a date with him. She hated him for lying about the fact that he had a wife when they first dating, then lying about signing the divorce papers and finally for choosing to stay with Addison when she'd begged him to pick her, to _love_ _her_. She hated him for trying to be her friend while making her watch them try to work it out for months. She hated him for turning her into an actual dirty mistress at prom and then, when she'd finally chosen him over Finn, for asking for more time. She hated him for kissing Rose when they were still sleeping together and she hated him for batting her ring into the woods. She hated him for getting shot right in front of her, and then blaming her for the stress that caused them to lose their unborn child.

She hated him for only seeing life in terms of black and white, when it was _Adele_ _and_ _Richard_ on the line, and they had the ability, the medicine, that could save them. She hated him for leaving her to take care of Zola, and then blaming her for telling an inconsistent story to Zola's social worker. She hated him for being nasty for a year after that, and for flirting and kissing and _fucking_ other women while they were together, and not even having the common decency to act like he was sorry for it. Most of all, she hated him for his hypocrisy. She hated that she had forgiven him all of his sins and that he had never been able to gain his. She hated him for acting like they weren't in love, like all of the bullshit he spewed about belonging together and dying in her arms at one hundred and ten was just a lie. She hated him for never loving her for who she was, for never loving her back the way she had _always_ loved him. Yes. Meredith Grey hated Derek Shepherd, because no matter what form her thoughts took, she couldn't ever shake him from them completely.

Derek Shepherd sat in his office. It was just rounding to about eight o'clock in Seattle, and though his shift had ended a couple of hours ago, he was still there. When Mark had popped in to ask him if he wanted to stop by Joe's and grab a drink, his excuse had been that he was catching up on paperwork. It was a lie, and he assumed Mark knew that, but just humored him anyway. Every department head in the surgical wing of Seattle Grace Hospital heard nonstop from Richard about taking a tip from him, and keeping their paperwork orderly. Honestly, he hadn't really touched any paperwork tonight, instead choosing to spend his time online. It always seemed to happen, him ending up on webpages similar to this one. He would tell himself he was looking for information on their programs, or facilities, or anything, really, but the only true reason he visited Mass General's website was to check in on her. It had been four years since he'd last seen her. Four years since he ripped apart her last shred of dignity and crushed her last wisps of hope, leaving her devoid of everything, really, so she'd left.

He had walked around the hospital with the same air of self-righteousness and smugness that he had been ever since the botched clinical trial, but little by little, his mask had begun to crack. It started with little things. He would pick up the scent of lavender while walking down the hallways, and find himself smiling at the fond memories it brought. Memories of her dirty blonde hair cascading down on his chest, or him burying his face in the crook of her neck as he'd shake with pleasure and grip her like she was his only lifeline while she screamed his name in a way that made him ready to have her all over again.

Sometimes he would stumble down to that abandoned basement where the interns, well, they weren't interns anymore, had sat hidden from everyone. He liked to think he was the only attending who had ever really been privy to their hiding spot, although he had an inkling suspicion that Bailey did, too, because she knew everything. When he would be ready to round the corner, he could hear her friends talking and yelling and laughing and fighting with each other, and he would feel his heart swell a bit in his chest thinking he would soon see her, only to realize a moment later that her light, throaty laugh hadn't been a part of the chorus, and that it wasn't her voice that had risen above the others in order to settle them down, but that of her younger sister. He never rounded the corner after that realization would hit him, knowing that he no longer had her sparkling eyes to welcome him, nor a peacekeeping Izzie, to help fend off the wolves. None of the others had ever really liked him much, and their resentment had only grown worse after Meredith's departure.

"_What the hell did you do to her you McBastard!" Christina Yang came burling down the hallway in his direction with an embarrassed yet determined looking Lexie Grey and a furious Alex Karev trying to keep pace. He smirked. The sheer amount of hate that Christina seemed to hold for him was honestly kind of laughable, and he could only wonder what it was that he had done so wrong this time. He assumed the 'her' was Meredith, and he wasn't really sure what was going on with her, for he hadn't seen her since he'd stormed into the back room the night before. "Good morning to you too, Dr. Yang" he said with mirth twinkling in his eyes. "Don't say good morning to me, you moron! What the hell did you do to Mer?" her face was serious, and as Alex started to move the scene into an abandoned hallway away from listening ears, Derek's smile dwindled some from his face. "I have no idea what you're talking about" he was met with the sting of an open hand connecting to his cheek and then a powerful finger pushing sharply into his chest, causing him to stumble back a little bit, and he instantly recoiled. "Don't tell that lie! She came in today with bloodshot eyes and is meeting with the Chief right now to be transferred. So I'm going to ask you again, what did you do to her? Huh? Everyone can see that you look right through her, and stare down anything in a skirt no matter the vicinity your wife happens to be in. So what? Did she catch you in the throes or something? Tell me what you did so I can fix it before she leaves" Christina's voice was threatening but her eyes were covered by a thin layer of water – what he imagined to be tears desperately trying to escape, but being held firmly in place by the fiery doctor's pride. Those tears almost made Derek feel bad for her, and he'd honestly have helped her, except he had done so much recently, he wasn't sure what exactly Meredith was reacting to._

_ He wished that he had been caught cheating. It was a simple answer. It took no explanations. No, he had nonverbally admitted to cheating, she had given him looks that admitted to knowing. She was willing to forgive him that, which made it all the worse. He had told her to leave, to get out, that he didn't love her anymore and sure as hell didn't want her. He had blamed her for the miscarriage of their child and for losing custody of Zola. Yes. Cheating would have been a far easier answer, a much better story, than this. Cheating was wrong and something he should have been ashamed of, although he really didn't feel that guilty about it – in his mind, it was fair, it was payback. No, what he had done, the things he had said, they were far worse than cheating ever could be. They were nasty and mean and spiteful – they were unforgiveable. He cleared his throat, "I don't know the reason that she is leaving" and then he turned to walk away. It had been a half truth, for he could only guess which of his statement it actually was that he had finally push her past her breaking point._

Derek still wasn't sure whether or not Meredith had ever told them the reasons for her leaving, but he assumed they at least had a rough idea, and he was sure that Richard did, for although he rarely let it seep into their working relationship, their friendship had been tense, to say the least, since the day he had made some phone calls and had Meredith placed at Mass General virtually immediately, where she would start her fellowship. Yeah, Derek lied to himself often about why exactly he visited Mass Gen's website; Derek Shepherd lied to himself about a lot of things.

**Please Leave a review and let me know what you thought. Constructive criticism is welcome, too. **

**Aryn**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey guys! Thanks so much for the reviews. I replied to everyone who I was able to, but to everyone else who replied without a login, thanks so much for reviewing! They really meant a lot and were what motivated me to continue, so please keep them coming ;). So, here's the next chapter, guys, and I hope you like it! **

**Disclaimer: Seriously? I'm in high school. I don't even own my own book bag, so no, I do not own Grey's Anatomy. **

"What do you mean I'm being sent to Seattle?" her voice was heard all through the corridors of Mass General's surgical floor. The attention her outburst had drawn registered slightly with her, but she didn't care. She couldn't go back there. She wouldn't. She would stand her ground and demand answers. Dr. Perkins, the Chief of Surgery at Mass Gen, was a little shocked and a little peeved at her eruption. From what Dr. Webber had told him, she had parted with the hospital on great terms – great enough to receive glowing reviews from the Chief of Surgery himself, as well as other department head's recommendations. For this reason, he was confused on two fronts: the first was why she had the words flee virtually blinking in her eyes when he had gotten her a part-time transfer to one of the country's leading neurosurgery departments, and two, why in the hell she thought it was okay to yell at him on his own surgical floor. He decided to deal with latter, first.

His voice was stern, "Follow me to my office, Dr. Grey". She looked like she wanted to protest, but wisely thought better of it. They walked silently down the halls and she tersely greeted his assistant, Jessica, before making way into his office and closing the door.

She waited for the reprimand with slight apprehension that was completely outweighed by her confusion and inner turmoil. She hoped she would be able to talk herself out of the move – her time in Massachusetts had been much less drama ridden than her residency at Seattle Grace. She had purposely kept a low profile when she first arrived, not forging close connections with any of the doctors in her year, nor letting her emotions get the best of her in public arenas, say, like the open surgical floor. _Ughh, _she thought, _Just thinking about that state has me reverting back to my old self, and all he did was say the hospital's name! No. I can't go back there; it'll take away the last shreds of dignity and self-control I have left._ She had been more than good here, she had been great. Her mother's name was no longer what made her distinguishable, now it was her talent. She performed surgeries that few doctors would touch with success and she conducted research in their labs that kept Mass Gen not only on the map, but made it one of the locations with a giant red circle around it. She deserved to stay and do what she wanted. She was good and she was entitled to one little crack in her armor after four years. She wouldn't go back to Seattle, and she intended to make her point known, albeit a bit more respectfully than the way she had reacted when the news first came about. She was pulled out of her inner ramblings when Dr. Perkins cleared his throat.

"Dr. Grey" he said sternly. Dr. Perkins wasn't a large man, probably only 5'11. He was maybe in his mid-fifties and was noticeably balding in the center of his head. Despite his lack of physical intimidation, he always carried himself with an air of authority and power, and not many had dared to disregard it. "There had better be a good reason why you even had the thought implanted into your mind that it was okay to speak like that to me, ever, but something must be seriously wrong if you went through with it in the middle of my surgical floor" he gave her a pointed look at which she attempted to divert her eyes. Unfortunately, Dr. Perkins drew her back in, "Now, let's start this over. Dr. Grey, I have great news. Seattle Grace has requested one of our neurosurgeons, a neurosurgeon from Mount Sinai in Manhattan, and a surgeon from Johns Hopkins in DC, to take part in their new study. I have chosen you to represent us there."

Meredith's response was not what he was expecting: "I can't go there, Chief. I, I won't." She shook her head with vehemence.

He saw red. "Dr. Grey. This is not a matter up for discussion. This is my hospital, and you are my attending and the future of our neurosurgery department. This was not a question, it was not a request – it was an _order_. You will go, and you will do what is asked for you there, and will stay for as long as the trial goes on, or you will not be employed by Mass General. _Is that understood, Dr. Grey_?" he finished his rant crossing his arms over his chest.

Her breath caught in her throat as she remembered what had begun with those ushered words in Seattle.

_She watched him walking away from her, unable to understand why he was acting the way he was. He rarely spoke to her that way, at work or otherwise – actually, that was a lie. He rarely spoke to her that way __**before. **__Before she had tampered with his trail, an error he felt the need to bring up in every conversation, every argument, everything they discussed since it happened. She had thought they would make progress, they were embarking on raising a child together, after all, but then she had been fired. She had walked off with Zola, although only to another part of the hospital, albeit the creepy basement, and that opportunity had ended, too. Zola had been taken, and they weren't getting her back. He always lost his temper, but in this, he didn't look like he thought he was right, he looked…suspicious. _

_She followed behind him a little bit; she needed to know what he was really going back to do, although she had an inkling as to what it was already. She had seen the way his eyes roamed the sister, Stacy's, body as she stood by her older sister's bed awaiting to hear what was wrong with her. She knew he must have been thinking about how pretty she was, because Meredith certainly had been. She was gorgeous, and it would only be natural for Derek's mind to travel to the same place. He was a guy. Guys thought about things like that. He was allowed to find other women attractive. The only thing was that he used to look at her like that. Not only when they first met in the bar, or when he wanted to have her at the prom, or when she was choosing between him and Finn, or even during their sex and mockery relationship. He had looked at her like for as long as they had been together, and even when they had been apart, except for lately. Lately, he looked at her like she was a stranger, like she was despicable, like it pained him to even be in the same room as her. And she didn't even want to think about how long it had been since they'd had sex. And Derek __**liked **__sex. He liked it a lot, in a lot of different ways and at a lot of different times of day and in a lot of different places. But he didn't want it with her anymore, so the fact that he looked at Stacy the way he used to look at her, the way that told her he wanted to devour her, to mount her, despite all of the people around that could see, that was what worried her._

_She saw Derek lead Stacy into a private room, where it looked as if he had meant to close the door but it stopped before it reached its destination, and stood, just slightly ajar. She stood next to the door, feeling far too clingy for her liking, as if she was a step away from rifling through emails and phone bills, but she couldn't bring herself to leave. She heard the woman's voice first, "That depends, are you in a relationship?" Meredith held her breath. If she was asking that question, she had to wonder what Derek had said before it. "Let's leave the questions for later tonight" she couldn't hear the woman's response. "Don't answer now; I'll meet you there at 9, when my shift ends." She hurried away from the door, not wanting to hear any more of the conversation._

_The day went by in a blur for her, she hadn't really had much time with Derek, but the few minutes she had managed to get alone with him, he had seemed nervous and jittery. She saw him in the halls as she went to do post-ops for Bailey, who had actually let her scrub in earlier in the day, when he was heading towards the door. _

"_Derek!" he turned around upon hearing her voice. He cleared his throat and began playing with his coat sleeves. "Uh, hey"_

"_Will you be home tonight?" she asked with hope in her voice, "My shift will be over in a half hour. We could leave together?"_

_He shook his head vehemently, and his response was rushed and short and a bit squeaked, "No" he cleared his throat again, "uh, No. I'm going out with Mark tonight. Maybe have a couple of drinks. I'll probably stay at his place, or maybe at the hospital" he jerked his head, as if confirming his story in his mind. She nodded her head slowly, wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt. "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow then" her voice had been stripped of what little bit of hope she had possessed earlier. He started to turn, but she grabbed his hand, "I love you, Derek" he looked back at her with hesitance, before mumbling something that sounded like a 'yeah' under his breath before walking out of the hospital. _

_She stood there for a while, but then went to wait for the elevator, hoping to finish her work quickly and head home to wallow in the bottom of a tequila bottle over her rapidly deteriorating marriage. She was surprised, then, to see Mark taking it up, too. "Hey, aren't you out of here yet?" He looked at her a little strangely, "Almost, yeah, just forgot something in my office" Meredith let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, but her relief only lasted for a moment before it was taken once again, "Gonna head over to Torres and Robins' place. Kiss my little girl good night." Her head fell as she mumbled back a hollow "oh, that'll be nice." He pushed the stop button on the elevator and turned to look at her. _

"_Everything alright, Grey?"_

"_Um. Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. Derek's fine. Stupid busty Stacy is fine. Everything's fine." She then hit the stop button again to resume its motion as Mark looked at her like she had two heads, unsure what she was talking about, but completely sure that she was so __**not **__fine. When the elevator finally reached her floor, after what felt like centuries, she rushed off of it. Derek always accused her of lying, but if that was the case, what did he consider what he was doing right now? _

Meredith shook herself from her reverie, and nodded, "Yes, sir. When am I scheduled to leave?"

"I have taken the liberty of cancelling your remaining elective surgeries this week. You are to arrive there next Tuesday morning. Jessica will print your ticket and give it to you sometime before then. Are those your only questions?"

"Yes, sir. Well, no, no, yes, no, no sir," she cut her ramble off when she saw the irritation growing in Chief Perkin's eyes again. "Yes, I uh, I was wondering how long this project is expected to take?"

He let out a frustrated breath that sounded more like a growl, "They say four to six months, but you will stay for as long as it takes" he took a moment to ponder her, looking closely for the first time since they had entered his office. He took in the nervous way she twirled the bracelet on her wrist and twiddled her thumb, the gnawing of her lip, and the clear anxiety written legibly across her face. "What in the hell is the matter with you, Grey? I thought you'd be happy to head back for a little while. When Richard called me to get you this job, he said you were leaving the hospital on impeccable terms."

She wanted to snort at the irony. Leave it to Richard to say something like that. Sure, none of the past incidents were on her record, but she hadn't left town on good terms at all, not with the most important person there.

Derek was having a very rough day. He had lost his first patient during what was supposed to be a routine craniotomy, and then had to sit through Mark's retelling of his latest conquest. It wasn't that Derek didn't think Mark's stories were amusing, but they just reminded him of what he'd lost through his own stupidity. To top it off, he was now stuck using pronouns in almost every sentence as he racked his brain to try and remember the name of a woman…the sister of a post-op patient in with dizziness, with whom he had entertained a very short, meaningless affair many years back. He wasn't even sure why she was here; her sister's operation had gone one hundred percent smoothly and the dizziness she was describing sounded a lot like a headache – definitely not something worth making a trip to the neurosurgery department at Seattle Grace Mercy West for a check-up.

As he finished double checking her charts, he cleared his throat to do away with some of the awkwardness he felt having the sister staring at him like a lioness stares after her prey. "So, it looks like you've experienced a headache. Maybe a little more severe than you're used to, but one that could have a multitude of causes, stemming from reading and sight issues, sensitivity to light, or not eating and hydrating enough throughout the day. Try changing those things in your daily life, Ms. Dalkin, and then if the headaches don't stop, we'll have some more scans and labs run, okay?"

His patient smiled and turned to look at her sister. Rolling her eyes, she spoke in a humored yet slightly annoyed tone, "You see, Stacy?" _so that was her name! _he thought to himself,  
>"I told you I was fine" she then turned her attention back to Derek placing a cupped hand beside her lips before continuing in a mock conspiratorial tone, "I think the only reason she forced me to come in today was so that she could see you, again, Doctor Shepherd" and then she winked. Stacy looked on, licking her lips as if confirming that suspicion, while Derek's eyes widened and he shifted his weight from one side to the other uncomfortably. "Well, since it seems everything here is in order, I've got to check up on some other patients. If you ladies would excuse me…" he turned on his heel quickly and retreated from the room towards a stairwell, not waiting for a response from either woman.<p>

_Marie Dalkin had come in for a routine procedure that he wasn't too worried about. What he was concerned about, however, was the patient's sister. She was tall – probably 5'8" with flat shoes on, and her legs seemed to be endless. Her loose, dark, chestnut curls fell past her shoulders and her hazel eyes were even more pronounced against her olive skin. He wasn't sure when he had become this guy, the guy who stared at beautiful women, worked through plans in his mind to do more than stare, all the while standing next to his wife. His wife, he was married. He kept trying to remember that. 'Then again, she lied when we were together, she lied about my trial and then she lied about Zola and then she had the gall to not even feel guilty about actually tampering…just about getting caught. I can do this. Meredith always does what she wants, it wasn't about me or any of the other millions of people affected by Alzheimer's that I was on my way to curing, it was all about what she wanted to do in that moment. Now I have something I want to do, too.' He turned to Meredith, who had been unsuccessfully trying to keep his pace ever since they'd left the patient's room, and spoke, "I have something I need to remind the Ms. Dalkin's sister of…"_

"_Oh, okay. I can come back with you" he could see the wheels turning in her head, but as she came up with nothing, she frowned. "What did we forget to tell them?" He played with the drawstring of his scrubs and became irritated that she was questioning him in the first place. "You actually need to run some of my labs and do my post-ops, Meredith. I can talk to her alone." He started to walk away when he heard her voice behind him._

"_Derek! You want me to 'run your labs and do your post-ops'? That's intern work, and there are already two on this case, I'm a year away from being an attending, so why are you assigning it to me?" she crossed her arms over her chest and looked at him expectantly. _

"_Maybe if you weren't still making intern's mistakes I wouldn't give you intern's work, but since you can't seem to stay away from situations like Denny's, you will do as I ask of you. Is that understood, Dr. Grey?"_

"_I, uh, yeah, sure, Dr. Shepherd. Labs today." _

_Derek saw the hurt and confusion in her eyes, so he turned and walked away to escape the intensity of her stare, but as he moved, he could still feel her eyes on his retreating form._

A door slamming brought him back to the present and he jumped a little. He turned to see who the intruder was, and sighed when he saw it was Stacy.

"Seemed like you couldn't get away from me fast enough back there, Dr. Shepherd." Her hands were on her hips, but she let them fall to her side as she moved closer to him. "And here I was thinking we had fun when we, got to know each other, before." She smirked. He couldn't help but notice that it wasn't as effective or flirtatious without going overboard as Meredith's had been. She leaned in closer to him and he stiffened as her breasts pressed lightly against him. Her voice was low and sultry, "We could have fun again." Derek cleared his throat and stepped away. He ran a hand through his hair and then down his face and looked at her blankly.

"I was married." She looked at him with open confusion, so he elaborated. "When we were together, I was married. I was married to Dr. Grey, your sister's other surgeon. I never answered your question later, at the bar, about being in a relationship. Maybe you forgot to ask again, or were already tipsy, or just didn't really care, but I was married. I, Meredith, Dr. Grey, she left Seattle, left _me, _but, but I'm _still_ married."

**Let me know if you liked it or not in a review (: I hope you enjoyed it.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

A/N: **You all should feel very privelaged…I've never updated a story as quickly or as often as it seems I'm updating this one (: I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to personally respond to each person's reviews, but they were all so inspiring that I kind of couldn't stop writing this one…seriously, my AP World homework is sitting on the floor next to me, blank I might add, as proof. So, I guess all I can say is I'm really thankful to all of the readers and especially to the reviewers, no matter how much or how little you say, it really means a lot to read what you think about a chapter. Anyway, without further ado, enjoy the next chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't think America lets you own anything until you at least have a credit score, so no, Grey's Anatomy is not mine.**

She entered Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital for the first time in four years. She was instantly hit with memories, some good, some bad, some of the best moments of her life, and some of the worst. She blocked out all of those memories though, because that's all they were. Aside from her friends here, she wanted a new start. She didn't want to be the girl that Derek Shepherd stepped on time and time again anymore; she had grown into a bigger person, into an independent surgeon. Finally, she was free of her mother, free of her father, free of rumors, free of every label that anyone had ever tried to give her in this place. The only tie she hoped to have with that man was the one they would gain from their research, and even in that, she hoped not to stick out amongst the group of neurosurgeons. All she wanted was to for once blend in in this forsaken hospital, and to _just_ do her job. That's it.

That hope was squelched when she heard a familiar voice from a familiar person.

"Grey!" Mark Sloan shouted in his overly testosterone filled baritone. She cringed and stilled her movements, knowing that there was no possible way these next, hopefully only four, months would go by without incident. She turned slowly on one heel, and gave a tight smile, "Hi, Mark." It wasn't that she didn't like Sloan, in fact, she really liked him, but he was Derek's best friend, and so this reunion, she assumed, would be awkward, by default.

"What in the hell are you doin' here?" he asked with a wide smile on his face and confusion in his eyes, not giving her time to respond before scooping her into a bear hug. When he set her back down, he looked her up and down a few times with his hands on his hips, not like he was checking her out, but more similar to how relatives always fawn over how big you've gotten at the holidays. _Well good, _she thought, _at least he's less of a man whore now that he and Lexie are together again._ She had to give him a slight smile at the thought – it looked like she wasn't the only person who'd grown up in the past four years. "I'm here for the neuro studies. It's me, and a few doctors from other hospitals back East, which reminds me, I'm kind of running late to meet them all, Mark…" she hoped he'd get the gist when he started to walk, but that was shattered when he turned back to look at her, "Well come on then, Grey. We can walk and talk; I'll show you where you're at. It's been so damn long since you showed your face in Seattle that you probably don't even remember where Derek's office is" she watched him cringe a little at mentioning Derek, but she shook her head at him before he could start backtracking.

"Mark, seriously, you can mention Derek. I worked here for 6 years, so yes, I remember my way around, but I am glad to walk with you anyway" she smiled at him when he let out a breath of relief, "but, things haven't changed. I am here" _by force, _she added mentally, "and me and Derek will work together, and then I'll go back to Boston. Okay?" she looked at him pointedly, and he knew that whether or not he thought what she had just said actually _was _okay didn't matter, so he just nodded.

"Okay. I can do nonchalance. But promise me lunch or dinner or something, alright?" he looked hopeful. The truth was, Mark had missed Meredith just as much as Lexie or Yang or Karev – she was his co-founder of the dirty mistress club – he just wasn't allowed to show it openly very often because he was Derek's friend, and he couldn't very well join in on the bad mouthing of him around the hospital…well, not frequently, anyway.

"Sure, Mark. I'm staying at home so just drop in whenever" she said as she adjusted her lab coat. She frowned "…with food. I still don't cook. Now I've really got to go. I'm late." Before he could respond she was already speeding around the corner towards Derek's office. He shook his head while staring after her. It seemed like she was still living in just a large bubble of denial as Derek was, hers just seemed a little brighter. Speaking to no one in particular, he shook his head and said "Some things never change. I guess Grey is one of 'em." He turned around and spotted Callie; he smiled. "Hey Torres!" he waited for her to stop walking before he continued, "A little birdie tells me that Grey is here." She looked at him like he had two heads for a moment, "Yes. She's been here just about every day…for the past 9 years" she spoke slowly and enunciated. Mark rolled his eyes and draped his arm over her shoulder, "Seriously? I know I'm the pretty one, but I'm not dumb. The _other _Grey is here…ya know, Big Grey." She stared blankly for half a second before it clicked and a bright smile ran across her face. "Ooh. Looks like things could get interesting around here again. Good timing too, since you entered the world of monogamy again." He nodded in agreement and they walked down the hall together in search of Arizona and, well, really anyone else who would listen.

_Freaking awesome. I'm running through the halls like a lunatic, I'm five minutes late, and I'm the leading neurosurgeon's ex, _she thought to herself, _what an impression._ She stopped herself when she arrived at Derek's office, and paused for a moment to catch her breath. After a few deep ones, she turned the handle slowly and walked into the room. It still looked mostly the same, with a few added photographs. This wasn't really the way she had wanted this meeting to go. She had originally imagined that she would arrive first, about ten or fifteen minutes early, explain to Derek that she was who Mass Gen had chosen to send for this case, and ask him to let the past go and stay professional for the duration of her stay.

That hadn't exactly worked out.

No. Instead, she walked into the room with a sheepish apology on her lips that didn't quite make it out of her mouth as she took notice of him. He looked good. He always did. His hair was a little more disheveled and longer than it had been, and she noticed that the once faint dark circles surrounding his eyes had become more pronounced. He was stronger though. She could see it in the way his scrubs clung to his chest and shoulders. The other two surgeons in the room had turned in her direction as soon as Derek had and nodded politely, but other than that they didn't seem to mind. Derek, however, was a different story.

"Meredith?" he widened his eyes, as if trying to establish whether or not she was really standing in front of him. He racked his brain quickly, trying to find any source of information that should have led him to believe that Meredith would be the surgeon in from Mass General. He knew, of course, that someone from their department would be joining the study, but he hadn't really let himself believe that it could ever be Meredith. _She_ _was_ _still_ _a young attending_, he had thought, _surely they have others with more seniority that they will send. _Or, if that failed, because he knew Meredith had long since proven that she was the best their department had to offer, he would tell himself there was no way, whether they asked her to or not, that Meredith would come work on any study or trial with him in Seattle. Apparently, he had been wrong, because despite all of their past history, she was standing in front of him, breathless, from what he assumed was her running to try and not be late to the first meeting between all four of the doctors. His thoughts were shaken by her voice.

"Dr. Shepherd" she spoke tersely, "it's been a while, my apologies to everyone for being late." Then she sat down, almost imperceptibly raising a beautifully manicured eyebrow over glaring blue-green eyes at him, almost daring him to go any further in this conversation, and warning him that if he did want to gear up for battle, it was one that he wouldn't win. He could barely contain his confusion, As if 'it's been a while' explained everything, as if they were two people who had met once or twice briefly and that was it. But she was his wife. He knew it and she knew it, despite whatever game or angle she was playing at. She wanted professional cordiality, fine. He could do that, he knew how to be civil, regardless of his most recent impressions on her. "That's fine Dr. Grey. As I was saying…"

The meeting went off without a hitch. As Meredith walked through the corridors of Seattle Grace, she was thankful for that. She had popped into one of Christina's patient's rooms, and Christina had agreed to meet Meredith at her house after her shift. It had been a good day, she decided with a small smile painted across her face, but that thought was replaced with something akin to panic as she felt herself being yanked into an on-call room. Her heart was palpitating at a rapid pace and she was mentally trying to remember the steps to beating your attacker that she had seen in a Sandra Bullock movie, _umm, nose, crotch, toe? Yeah, I'll go with – _her train of thought was lost when she took note of a pair of very familiar blue eyes that were across from her. _Derek. It figures. _

"What the hell are you doing, Derek!" She shoved him away from her so that she could have space to push herself off the back of the door.

He smirked. "I was just wondering how my wife, whom I haven't seen two years, is suddenly in my hospital, working on my study, and I had absolutely no idea about it" he flashed a smile. She opened her mouth to respond but he shook his head 'no' and placed his index finger over her lips and continued talking. "Never mind, don't answer it. I don't care how it happened. It's just" he cupped her cheek gently with his palm, "I thought, you – and last time, in Boston, but it doesn't matter, I," he leaned in to whisper in her ear, "I, you said you weren't coming back, that you wouldn't. But you're here" he had somehow managed to back her into the door once again, but as he bent his neck to connect his lips with hers, his chest was once again met with the butt of her palms.

"Seriously? Seriously! You think that I would come here, make it so that miraculously it was me who was chosen to work on your study, just so that I could be with you? Did you listen to a thing I said when you came to Boston? Huh? I said _never _again. That didn't mean in six months, or two years, or when my shitty luck forced me into a trial in Seattle! It meant I was _done _Derek. I was done when I left Seattle, and I was much done when you came to Boston, and I am _still _done. Ugh, it's like all that stupid hair on top of your stupid head is overheating your stupid brain!" she fumed at him, and shook her head in disgust. "Seriously" she mumbled under her breath as she reached for the door knob, but her arm was caught midair.

"I…don't understand. You're back" his eyes lit up just at the thought of her return, "if you didn't want to be with me again, then, why?"

"So that I could keep my job! The one that's _in _Boston, where I _live. _It didn't seem appropriate to tell my boss that I couldn't go do groundbreaking research in the name of the hospital because I didn't want to be within a thousand foot radius of my stupidly talented neurosurgeon husband!" She scoffed, "God, you're so arrogant. Everything is about you, except, and I hope this makes it through the hair, it's _not. _This is strictly professional, so don't pull me into empty on-call rooms, don't look at me like you've seen me naked, and stop talking to me like we're together. We're not. We won't be. Just stop it, Derek." She yanked her arm out of his hand and walked out of the room, leaving a shocked Derek in her wake.

Derek stood there, stunned into silence, unsure of what had just happened. She came back. And okay, maybe pulling her into an on-call room and presumptuously assuming that she would want sex was probably moving a little fast, but he didn't understand why they couldn't move past it. It was like he was realizing for the first time that maybe she really didn't want to be with him. Maybe she really didn't want to go back to how they were. He had been lying to himself for quite a while about his feelings for Meredith, and when he returned from Boston two years ago, he had lived in his wonderful land of denial where them not being together was for the best once again, but he didn't think he could do it now.

Not when he could hear her talking to her friends, and laughing at Mark's jokes. Not when he had to be in a room with her all day, for months on end, and be able to smell her lavender vented conditioner because she was in such a close proximity to him. Not when they would have to pass each other in the hallways, or when she would have to consult on his patients, or when he would go home to the house that had originally been built for _them, _but that he had lived in alone for the majority of the time since its construction. Not when he was only fifteen minutes from where he assumed she would be staying, in her mother's old house, and he could vividly picture all the nights spent wrapped beneath her covers, their limbs tangled with each other's. No, pretending was easier when she was out of sight, when the only times he could see her was when he conjured up her image. With her in the same hospital as him, he knew for a fact that he wouldn't be able to do as she asked of him, he could never stop it – he only wished he would have realized that he wasn't himself without her years earlier.

**More to come soon I hope (: Tell me what you guys think, too. Was Derek too OOC in this chapter? Also, I kind of want to see how everyone feels about a MerDer reunion, ya know, like what it is your expecting or hoping for. I write this story as I go along, so I can incorporate ideas if I feel they can fit into the basic premise of the story. Leave a review and tell me how you felt about it, like, love, or hate, I want to know!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hey guys. Remember me? Probably not. If you're interested in my (slightly) valid reasons for taking so long to update, then continue reading. If not, then just know I'm really sorry and that **_**THIS WHOLE CHAPTER IS A FLASHBACK**_**. An important one. So, yeah. Okay, Now onto my groveling for forgiveness. I swear I've had the first 1500 words written up foreverrrr, but then I got some writers block. And then the last 500 words got deleted from my laptop, which was very discouraging. Then the first quarter decided to go and end all hastily and I had to maintain my grades, ya know with Junior year being important and all that nonsense. I know? School work keeping me from Grey's writing? Absurd. Lol. But I really am sorry. And you should all thank an anonymous reviewer from this morning who reminded me that duhh, people were **_**kinda**_** waiting for an update or something. Also, special thanks to **_**Dysari, tryptophan, HyperrGirll, annekoch, HouseBroken, InGreyEyes, bextra1256, mcsunny, sara, mcdreamy-lover89, HugeMerderfan, Didine34790, butter00, pixiedust0110, and ladyluck2905. **_**I'm very sorry to them for not responding personally, but I was a little disoriented after a few nasty reviews. Also, and this is my last babbling point, I love reviews and I love my reviewers no matter how much or how little you write. But if all you comment for is to bash my story, I don't like it, nor do I respond well to it. Makes me sad and stop updating, and then by proxy you upset other people who actually **_**like **_**my story. So, the moral of this tale? You can be constructive, but please don't be **_**mean**_**, it pisses more than just me and Taylor Swift off . Okay. Now that that's over, here is the long awaited chapter 4! Well, it's right after my disclaimer. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't have it in me to think of a witty disclaimer right now (*snaps fingers* darn!) so I do not own Grey's Anatomy or anything relating to it. But this story line? All mine. **

_He had arrived in Boston three days ago. He hadn't left his hotel room since checking in. Now, he was scheduled to leave in two days, and he had yet to do the one thing he'd been avoiding since he got there. He hadn't told anyone where he was going, in fact, only a few people had known beforehand that he was taking a vacation at all, yet alone that he had gone to visit Meredith. It just wasn't the kind of thing that he would broadcast to the hospital – what would he even say? Hey Christina, Alex, I'm going to Boston for five days to try and win back the love of my life, who left me because I was an asshole who couldn't keep his dick in his pants? Yeah, that type of thing would go over really well._

_That was what the optimistic side of his mind was telling him his reasoning was. The other half, the more realistic and cynical part, was constantly reminding him how embarrassed he'd be if she rejected him, which, taking everything he had done into consideration, was a very real, very possible outcome. He wouldn't be able to take everyone in Seattle knowing if that happened. No one would take pity. Mark would give a half-hearted 'I'm sorry, man' and Arizona would probably give him that sad look, but no one else would even attempt to hide the fact that they actually weren't sorry for him in the least. The only person they were sorry for in the entire equation was Meredith. Callie's husband had cheated on her, too, and almost ever since Meredith had left, he had been on her shit list. Yang would yell at him for even going out there and messing with her person. Alex would tell him to just leave her the hell alone, and Lexie probably… wouldn't say anything, but would convey everything she needed to say in a few glances. No, he, and everyone else knew that if Meredith didn't come back to him, he would only have himself to blame. _

_He rolled out of bed with a sigh, knowing it would be more pathetic to have come all this way and not even try than it would be to be rejected. He hopped into the shower with his toothbrush in his mouth, brushing his teeth first, and then washing lazily, not really wanting to put a rush on the day. As he stepped out of the shower, he dried off and wiped the steam off of the mirror so that he could work on his hair. At least __**one **__thing needed to be working for him today. Finally, when it was up to his McDreamy reputation, he got dressed and left the hotel, catching a cab directly over to Mass General. _

_When he arrived at the building, he took a deep breath and headed inside. He figured the best way to find her on the surgical floor was to ask one of the nurses. As he approached the station, he felt slightly awkward with the way the nurse manning the desk was looking at him. He reached it and cleared his throat. "Hi, I'm looking for Dr. Grey?" She gave him what he assumed was supposed to be a seductive smile, and told him she would page her, so he nodded and placed his hands in his pockets to keep from fidgeting as he waited._

_The nurse had gotten up to check in on a patient, but when she came back, she stood next to Derek, a little too closely to be professional. "So, why is it exactly that you're looking for Dr. Grey? I mean, we all know she doesn't really have male friends, especially as attractive as you are…" she gestured a small bit with her hands, indicating that she wanted his name. Derek, though ,was elated to know that she apparently hadn't been with anyone since she had been here, or at least no one that the nurses knew of, and they knew just about everything. On the other hand, he was disappointed that he hadn't been mentioned even in passing conversation. It was a basic, get to know you, topic, 'Hi what's your name?...Oh where are you from?...Oh, you just moved here?...Are you seeing anyone? Oh! You're married how wonderful.' It was a fact that he was her husband; someone should have known. He smirked; he knew the best way to let this information spread through the hospital like wildfire. Leaning in to whisper in the nurse's ear, Derek placed a hand on her shoulder to steady his self and could feel her heart rate increase. "I'm glad to know she's not had any boyfriends that you all know about, seeing as I'm her – "_

"_Derek?" the voice came from behind him. He turned to find the woman he hadn't seen in over a year a mere twelve feet away, wearing dark green scrubs and holding what had to be at least five charts. Only when seeing the charts did he remember the nurse who he had been standing extremely close to with his hand on her shoulder. His hand had fallen sometime earlier, he guessed, but he stepped a few paces away from the nurse, to her disappointment, anyway. He met her eyes with his own and saw the vulnerability swimming in them. The rest of her, however, showed no signs of weakness, and to anyone who hadn't look closely at her, she was stoic and emotionless. She didn't come any closer as she spoke to him, "What are you doing here?"_

"_I, uh," he noticed that she was steeling herself for whatever he was going to say, and it hurt him to know that all she expected of his words now was for them to sting with harshness. "I, can we go somewhere, private?" he looked around nervously, not wanting to put their entire relationship on display for the entire hospital. He was surprised, though, when she shook her head 'no'. "I'm busy, Derek," she said, gesturing to the charts threatening to fall any minute that rested slightly off-balance in her arms. She started to walk away, but he quickly followed, lifting a few charts from her hands "I can help" She gave him an incredulous look. "What? I'm a world famous neurosurgeon, I think I can handle a few stable patients" he smirked. She started to protest, but when her pager went off, she let out an exasperated sigh, but gave in. "Fine. Whatever. Have the nurses page me when you're done" and with that, she ran off in the opposite direction. _

_She hadn't expected to see him in the lobby. It had been four hours since she had returned to the nurses' station to find all of her charts filled out flawlessly, and so she had assumed that he'd gone home. No. She hadn't expected to see him sitting in a chair at midnight in the middle of the hospital. When he spotted her, he stood with a wide smile and made his way to where she was standing. "Seriously, Derek? I thought you had left?" He shook his head. "No. I, I uh, I wanted to see if, and you were working so, I-" he cut himself off – when had he become a rambler? Finally, after taking a moment to get his thoughts together, he spoke again, "I wanted to talk to you."_

_She wanted to say no. she wanted to tell him to go back where the sun don't shine – literally. She wanted to tell him that nothing he could ever say, no matter how poetic and apologetic and everything-she-had-wanted-to-hear-him-say-before-she-left-Seattle it was, that it wouldn't matter. She wanted desperately to believe that he didn't matter anymore. But there was something in the back of her mind that always made her act against rationality when Derek was involved. It was the voice that came up with the pick me, choose me, love me, speech. But he chose Addison, anyway. She shuddered just at the thought. It was the voice that told her to get rid of Finn (which, she could begrudgingly admit was better in the long run) and just be with Derek again. Accept, he had decided he needed time to figure things out. It was the voice that told her house plans maybe weren't so scary, and that maybe they could even be great. And then Derek kissed Rose. It was a voice she couldn't ignore no matter how much she wanted to, and as that thought came to mind, she heard herself saying yes. She heard herself telling him her apartment wasn't far from the hospital. She heard herself telling him they could talk there. _

_As he sat in the passenger seat, he couldn't help but think this had to be the most awkward car ride he had ever experienced. He kept looking to his left, wanting to say something – anything – that could break the silence, but every time he did, he took notice of how tightly her hands were gripping the steering wheel. Or how her jaw was set, seemingly locked, shut. Or how her breathing was a little uneven, but she was trying to keep it from being noticeable. He didn't like that the reason for this was him. That after years of getting her to open up to him, to trust him, to just __**be**__ with him, that it was he who made her this nervous, anxious, wreck. That he was the source of her discomfort. And that thought, well, it always managed to keep him quiet._

_The car door slamming brought him to the present, and he smiled sheepishly at her as she stared at him like a lunatic. He assumed she must have been standing outside of the car for some seconds, wondering why he wasn't following. He quickly opened his door, and caught up to her; she had turned her back when he finally moved and began walking towards the building. They rode the elevator in relative silence, save for cleared throats and muffled coughs. As he stood back, watching her unlock the door to her place, he inwardly resented the fact that she lived so far up and that he had been unable to find anything to say on such a long elevator ride. Elevators were their __**thing**__, after all._

_She fiddled with her key. Part of it was because she had no idea what she would face when they entered her apartment, and maybe she didn't want to know. The other part of it was because with every step they had taken towards her apartment her heart had sped up, so now, as she stood so close to it, for the life of her she couldn't make her hands stabilize long enough to insert the key into the keyhole. 'What a great surgeon shaky hands make' she thought to herself. Surprising her, the door flew open under her weight as she pushed at it again. She stumbled in, shaking off Derek's steadying hand and opting to go to the kitchen. She didn't really have much food, just left over pizza. 'There goes that talking point'. She had water. Water could work. She rummaged through her refrigerator for a while longer before turning to Derek, who lurked awkwardly in her doorway. She thought it was kind of cute, how apprehensive he was, with his hands in his pockets, but she quickly shook the thought from her head. "You can sit down Derek" he exhaled deeply and moved swiftly into the kitchen area. "Would you like something to drink…there's water and…" she grimaced as she noticed nothing else but tequila and spoiled dairy in her fridge, "old milk. Take your pick" She decided she wouldn't offer the tequila. He didn't deserve it. He laughed quietly, "water, thank you". _

_She nodded before pouring two glasses and handing him one. They both sat, uneasy, sipping their drinks. After the silence had settled tensely between them for a few minutes, Meredith spoke up. "Look Derek, I had a really long shift and I'm tired. You said you wanted to talk, so talk" she raised her eyes to meet his, but quickly averted them to avoid being lost in a sea of blue. He cleared his throat._

"_I miss you Meredith…so much." His voice was a whisper. He wished she would look at him. Almost as if he had willed her to do it himself, she met his eyes, and this time, held his gaze. The look in them, however, was not one he wanted to see. It was one of incredulity. One that told him he had better find something better to say than that in the next five seconds, or find his way to her door. _

"_I just, I know I was wrong. I know I did so much that was…wrong. And I was mean and cold and spiteful and you didn't deserve it. And I'm sorry" he hoped she wouldn't make him say it. That she wouldn't make him say exactly what he was sorry for. He could see enough hurt in her eyes just with his vagueness; he couldn't imagine how much would be visible in them if he spoke out loud. He watched her catch a tear from slipping from her eye, and she pushed her chair back violently; it collided with the ground. _

"_You don't just get to say you're sorry, Derek!" her voice was loud. She breathed in, then out. The next words she spoke were deeply contrasting to her previous ones. They were calm. Her voice was low. Cutting. "You don't get to say you're sorry, and think it makes everything okay. You don't get to say you're sorry when I apologized to you for months and you never gave it a second thought. When instead you, you just, disappeared. When you were with – "she stopped her mind from traveling there and closed her eyes. He was standing now, too, so she took a step back. Shaking her head from right to left, "You just don't get to say you're sorry". _

_She was crying openly now. Even with her back turned to him, he could see how her body was racked with sobs. He walked towards her and wrapped his arms around her. "I know you don't want to hear it, I know, but I am. I'm sorry and I don't know what else to say. I don't know what I can do but you have to know I'm sorry. I am __**so**__ sorry, for everything" he stressed the last word. He turned her around and she buried her head in his chest. They had never spoken openly about his betrayal, and as much as it haunted him, he knew, with every labored breath she took as her cries subsided, he knew that it tortured Meredith. That it had broken her, that __**he**__ had broken her. He had made her insecure in herself. He had made her doubt everything she did, everything he did and said. And for what? He wasn't sure, he really just…wasn't. _

_He looked down into her green eyes, rimmed red with tears, as she felt her head shift upward to face him. "You can't just want me when you want me, Derek. It's not fair" _

"_Meredith, I lov – "_

_She cut him off and pulled away slightly. "To me, Derek! It's not fair __**to**__**me**__. This gets to be about me. Just this once. I don't know what to believe when you speak. For all I know you do love me, but Der, God knows I don't want to be loved like this. I don't want to hurt all the time. I don't want to worry myself fucking insane because I can't see you, and I don't know what you're doing. I can't do that to myself. I won't let you do it to me" her breath was ragged._

_He looked at her with those eyes, and so she closed hers as she pushed away from his chest. That movement was all it took to throw him into motion though. He grabbed at her wrist, the closest part of her, and tugged her back to him. He attacked her lips with his own, and as she fought it, he backed them into a wall. He felt it when she gave in. when her walls faltered. She relaxed into his grasp and wrapped her arms around his neck. He smiled and removed his lips from hers, and traveled down to her neck._

_She gasped as he lightly bit and sucked her pulse point. His hands were quick, and before she knew it her shirt was off her body, and her breasts were being fondled through her bra. "Oh God" she moaned into his touch. She lifted her legs and wrapped them tightly around his hips. It had been so long since she had done this. Since he had been this close to her. She could smell his cologne; it was intoxicating her. The only thought that ran through her mind was more, more, more. His voice broke through the haze as he whispered in her ear. "I only want you, Meredith. And I know it's selfish but not having you, not having you since the trial, since you've been gone, not having you now, it's tearing me apart. I can't take it" his lips were everywhere on her body, on her collarbone, on her cheeks. He rubbed his hands down her porcelain skin, and spoke again, "God, I've wanted this for so long" his voice was almost as strained as the bugle growing in his pants was, "Please, baby, let me have you". His hands continued to roam her body, but suddenly, she couldn't breathe. All she could see when she closed her eyes was his hands on other women, for months. All she could picture was his lips taking the same course on their bodies. All she could wonder was whether his body reacted the same way to them as it did to her. _

_She pushed him away with all the remaining strength she had. He stumbled back, unprepared for the sudden force. He looked up at her, lust clouded his eyes, "Mer…what?" She grabbed her shirt from the floor and fumbled with the buttons as tears once again came streaming down her face. _

_He stepped closer to her, but she moved directly out of his path. "Meredith, what's…what's wrong?" he looked imploringly at her. _

_She let out a strangled laugh. "What's wrong? All of this is wrong, Derek! You say you want me, that you've wanted me since your trial, well for God's sake, Derek, you had me! __**You**__. __**Had**__. __**Me**__. and you gave me away, you didn't want me, so don't you __**dare**__ stand there and tell me how much you've missed me" she ran a hand through her already disheveled hair. "I'm so stupid! I mean, you were here for maybe a half hour. You spoke for like ten minutes altogether, and I let you back me into a wall with my legs spread, ready for a thorough fucking" she shook her head. _

_He looked wounded. Did she really think that little of herself? Of __**them**__? It was never just sex with them, he loved her. "Meredith, I have __**never**__ fucked you" he cringed at the crudeness of the word itself, "I was going to make love to you. I do love you. I don't, I don't know what you need. Tell me what you need for you to believe it"_

"_What I need Derek, is to not think of where else your hands have been. Who else they've touched since they last touched me. What I need, is to not feel like I'm competing with other women when I'm your __**wife**__. I just need," she stopped talking and looked around frantically. "I need you to not be here. I need you to just let me go on with my life, to stop haunting me everywhere I go. I need to know this was more than a transcontinental booty call, and the thing is, I don't know it. I don't believe in you"_

_He went to speak but she cut him off with a raised hand. "Did you know that everyone in Seattle Grace knew exactly who you were screwing? It sure as hell wasn't me. Did you notice the looks I got in the hallways? 'Poor girl, looks like McDreamy's gonna screw her over again, and she doesn't even see it'. Except I did. And I accepted it. I said, 'he'll come around. He loves me.' It was like a fucking chant, Derek. What I want is to not need a mantra to convince myself that you're with me. That you're __**staying**__ with me. But right now? There's a mantra. It's saying give in give in give in. You know what happens when you don't. He goes back to his wife. He kisses nurses. He sleeps with other women. It's not a mantra I'm fond of, Derek." She shook her head at the lost, desperate look spread across his face. "It's just…not."_

**Whew! Angsty enough for ya? Let me know what you guys think. Please review, good or bad (as long as the bad is constructive…no bashing please). I swear the wait won't be as long for the next chapter, and if it is, feel free to send me a very mean PM to get my ass in gear.**

**Aryn**


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